What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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