I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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