i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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