I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
