Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
