Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
