Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
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I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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