i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
