What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
