Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
