All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
