Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
