She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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