just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
