Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
