Porn is love you can see.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
