: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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