god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
she told me i tasted like america
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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