the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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