thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
