Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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