my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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