It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
