You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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