My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
