just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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