True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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