Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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