Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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