i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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