Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
