John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
