i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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