The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
