I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
