Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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