We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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