I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
