A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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