I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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