I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
