ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
