You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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