Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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