I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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