...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
