hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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