My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
