Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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