I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
