i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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