I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
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Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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