if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
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I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
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You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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