she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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