I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
