i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
im six kinds of drunk right now
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
