Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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