I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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