I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
